Resting in the mess of it all ~

"And I didn’t know then what I do know now: that every child of every parent is God’s instrument in the life of his or her parent.

My children have been His chief tool for the shaping of me, shaving off the certainty, molding a softer version, raising up a gumption necessary to face another day.

Evidently, they needed me – who I thought I was and who I’ve become – to mold their beings.

And certainly, I needed them – who they were and weren’t, who they are and aren’t, who they will be and won’t be – to become who I was, am —

and who I will be."

I read this from Ann Voskamp's blog this morning and was so blessed by the perfection of God's timing since this is what I have been dwelling on and wrestling with this week.

Letting go of the control reigns for this type A momma is really hard!  I want it all to look good, taste good, fit good, be good.  Sometimes good is the misfit, the ugly beautiful, the muddy messy floor that has hollering but happy children running all over it.  This year has been so good for my soul in letting go of pretenses, expectations, and standards that I shouldn't have set in the first place. It has brought me to a place of contentment and really seeing priorities like never before.  Looking back, I see where God has brought me from and am excited to dig in for more hard growth so that He can mold me into the momma he wants me to be.

If you had asked me one year ago if I:
 ~ would be shopping for beautiful hard woods with my 13 year old son so that he could start building little boxes for babies that have gone home too early and parents who need a precious reminder of their little ones I would have said "that is too hard to think about, no not us"
~ would be telling my sixteen year old to put the math book where she can't see it for the next few months to rest her heart and brain from the stress of pushing to hard, I would have said "no not us"
~would be researching dreadlocks with my ten year old cause they sound fun to her, daddy said yes and now it is just a matter of when and what kind, I would have said "no not us"

God is helping me see heart issues over what things look like to the outside world...I pray he keeps pushing me to see His heart in all the issues that come my way.

As I look back over the grace gifts journal I have kept these last eight years I see in part some of His purposes.  So I write here, to look back over the graces and growth He is allowing in our lives and so that we can remember again that we serve a faithful God.

Deuteronomy 4:9 Only take care, and keep your soul diligently, lest you forget the things that your eyes have seen, and lest they depart from your heart all the days of your life.  Make them known to your children and your children's children ~

So we count graces weekly with pictures, and write graces in the journal and remember so we can look back and tell our children's children of His faithful grace.

Firm Foundations

So...building on a firm foundation this week and 

it is reminding me of this hymn ~ 

1. How firm a foundation, ye saints of the Lord,
   Is laid for your faith in His excellent word!
   What more can He say than to you He hath said—
   To you who for refuge to Jesus have fled?
2. “Fear not, I am with thee, oh, be not dismayed,
   For I am thy God, and will still give thee aid;
   I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
   Upheld by My gracious, omnipotent hand.
3. “When through the deep waters I call thee to go,
   The rivers of sorrow shall not overflow;
   For I will be with thee thy trouble to bless,
   And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.
4. “When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,
   My grace, all-sufficient, shall be thy supply;
   The flame shall not harm thee; I only design
   Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine.
5. “The soul that on Jesus doth lean for repose,
   I will not, I will not, desert to his foes;
   That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
   I’ll never, no never, no never forsake.”

...and this from last Sunday because it makes me laugh.

Plate Size, Protection and Peace

So.....I am entering a different phase of life.  This one is taking some getting used to and has not been without it's share of personal opposition.  For as long as I can remember, as long as I have been blessed to be married to Jordan and as long as I have been honored to be called mom, I have attempted to do it all.  I love having a full plate - the size of a platter as Mark Driscoll calls it!  Saying yes is fun, exciting, adventurous and rewarding.  Saying yes also causes burnout, lack of margin,  joints that are screaming for a break, and an inability to keep first things first and therefore imbalance in what God has called me to do.  All this to say, Jordan has asked me not to put on a tool belt and work alongside him in the construction of this next house.

Ouch!  Talk about wrestling with feelings of being put on the shelf, retired, aging and weakness.  In processing these feelings, I have been convicted of my tendencies to find my worth and value in what I accomplish and not who I am in Christ.  By letting this part of my identity as "the building wife" go and honoring Jordan's desire to protect me, I am finding a freedom. It's a freedom in being able to spend the time I really need to in cooking for my family, planning for the kids education, administrating details for the building project and just being present for the kids.  It is a concious effort to not pick up that hammer or skill saw and it will be even tougher as the project rounds the bend into full swing. But for now...I am leaving my tool belt on the hook under the stairs and thanking God for a husband who loves me enough to help me set limits and to pursue the priorities that are best.

In being vulnerable about this strange and good set of circumstances set before me, maybe it will cause some of you to evaluate your plateful of activities and commitements.  What is occupying you?  Is the right thing at the wrong time, the wrong thing?

Perspective from Belize

So we traveled far last week.....three hours in the car, 4 hours on a plane, another 2 hours on a plane, another hour in the car.  We arrived in another world yet it was exactly the same in so many ways.  Time seemed of no consequence.  Cell phones and watches were tucked away and we traversed the day immersed in a sense of God's timing for all things and not our own agenda.  It was wonderful, faith building, messy, stretching and refreshing!  The kids and I shared a week with dear friends in a little village of Belize.  We walked the dusty roads, shared meals together, worked side by side to love the people of this little place called Las Flores.

 When time is of little consequence there is a perspective that shines bright.  God's ways are not our ways, His timing is not ours but His ways and His timing are perfect!  We traveled far to work with our hands in an orphange filled with children.  When we arrived, we learned that the orphanage we planned to spend the week working in was already receiving help by many who had also traveled far.  The Lord closed that door of ministry to swing wide another that was more perfect than we could have even imagined.  Just down the road from where we were staying, there was a tired little house with peeling green paint.  Next to the house was an open room with rusty folding chairs used for church every night.  On the other side of the tired green house was a little space about the size of a cozy utility room.  That space is called Anna's Kitchen.

 Miss Anna and her mountain moving faith, feed hungry children every day during the school lunch hour.  Anna and her dear husband have four children of their own and often aren't sure how they will pay their electric bill.  But on faith, she fixes food for hungry tummies every day wether she has run out of propane and must cook on an open fire or in the confines of the tiny little kitchen.  The children and I, along with dear friends were blessed with the time and resources to give Anna's Kitchen a face lift.

Moriah braiding Clarissa's hair...this dear girl lives behind the kitchen with her mother.  Miss Anna and her husband took them in to escape a hurtful father.

Little Anna, Miss Anna's daughter sand Samarah Jo became dear friends

Jeff had a pile of boys hanging around him all week that loved borrowing his sunglassas and playing soccer with him.

By helping her, she encouraged us in our faith and constantly gave glory to God in her words and actions.  We learned so much about sparrow faith and what is really important.  So many irons in the fire as we return home to our harried pace of life.  Praying that God would help me to retain the lessons of perpective, priority and peace that seemed to speak so loudly in a little village of Belize.

The Breaking But Happy Momma Heart

Was I just not listening in those early days of diapers, dishes and dirt or did nobody mention how my heart would break a bit at a time as I watched my babies grow up and become adults?  How can a heart by so thankful for God's goodness and growth and so broken for what is already gone at the same time?

We were just in the throws of tutus for dance and learning to ride a bike....

Now she's filing taxes, shopping for a car and ordering checks!  

They are each instruments in our hands for a blink..

Use the days of littles wisely...

They are almost gone.

So I am counting God's grace for my oldest daily in an effort to keep perspective and to keep my eyes on Him who comforts.  God is faithful and I am greatful daily for new mercies and for the blessing of being mom.

~ She loves Jesus with all her heart
~She loves her family by serving the needs of those around her
~She is actively mentoring her siblings in godliness
~She is running toward the finish line of school
~She has been blessed with an amazing barn management job
~She is such a dear friend
~She makes us all laugh with her dry sense of humor
~She loves the wild...there is a little bit of mountain woman in everything she does
~Sigh....thankful for all this and more daily

10 Things The Lord Continues To Teach Me....

1.  God is faithful in everything.

2.  Remembering God's faithfulness through writing is essential.

3.  Prayer is effective.

4.  Children love spontaneous adventures as much as routine.

5.  Boys can eat way more than I ever imagined.

6.  I love coffee dates with Jordan and would rearrange anything to spend more time with this man!

7.  Time with our children is so short....we must be purposeful.

8.  Schooling is only a small part of learning.

9.  Contentment is an attitude and cannot be determined by anything or anyone.

10.  God's timing is perfect in all things.

Hard Stops to Pray

The subject of consistent prayer has been nudging at me for many months now....

I have been convicted this year of the undeniable importance of being a prayer warrior momma.   As I have studied prayer and some of the pillars of the faith who have been effective prayer warriors, I have become convinced of one thing in particular.

The only thing that prevents me from praying more is me!

When I look at the incredibly full lives of women who have gone before me, all excuses for not praying consistently, sound hollow.  It sounds harsh, but I am convinced of the truth of this statement...

"The extent of prayer in ones life is a direct function of whether something else has been set up as more important than God"

Ouch....all those busy mommy thoughts that have crowded out prayer time seem to be resounding in my head....

Is the clean kitchen more important that stopping to pray?

Is this next load of laundry getting rotated more important than stopping to pray?

Is this dirty floor that needs a quick scrub more important than stopping to pray?

Is this facebook message more important than stopping to pray?

This past fall, I have experimented with an new approach to prayer consistency and I am excited in the new year to continue and to spend more time with the Lord on my knees.  I have created "hard stops" during the day.  Times during the day when the alarm sounds and it is simply a reminder to stop and pray.  My children know this prayer alarm now and will often bring my phone to me and say "time to pray mom."

The more consistent this prayer time becomes, the more I need time on my knees with Him. 

Samual Chadwick said "Hurry is the death of prayer."

I have seen this in my own life...during times of hurry, the prayer journal lies quiet.  How sad.  During the times when I need God's grace in my life most, the recounting of His grace through gifts, is quiet.  I want my children to look back over my life and see the counted evidences of grace in hard and busy times as well as times that are more comfortably structured.  

Over the past seven years, I have been filling ruled paper with prayer letters for Jordan and the children.  I am so thankful that God's evident work in their lives is not dependent on my consistency.  In the hardest seasons of life, again, the prayer journal is quiet.  I want this to be different so that the children can see God's amazing, sustaining grace in every season of life.  

So as the new year dawns, I have committed to adding more hard stops to each day.  Moments to stop, seek the Lord, renew my mind and remember His sacrifice.  

The pleasent little ring tone that goes off at 11:50 a.m. has become part of every day.  I have found that I start watching the clock and looking forward to the moments set aside to pray.  Maybe that's how Daniel felt when he knelt three times daily to thank God (Daniel 6:10). Maybe that's what James was getting at when he penned "The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much (James 5:16).

If this year is my last, I want to leave a legacy of effective prayer.  So the alarm has been set.  Might you want to join me in consistently coming before the Lord at set times during the day.  He is faithful.

1 Peter 5:7  casting all your cares on Him, for He cares for you.